Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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