then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just threw up on my dentist
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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