1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
