Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
