I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
