Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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