You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
