I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
