the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
