You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
