hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
