you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
