my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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