Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.