She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's blow job season.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
