im drinking this country out of the recession.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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