somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
