Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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