my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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