I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
