I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
