You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
