You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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