i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
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