We're like a lot better than the average bears
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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