There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
