Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
