I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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