So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
