this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
