Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
