my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize