I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
