life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I look better un-naked...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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