I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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