someone threw a dead crab at me
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
