nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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