News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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