hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
