looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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