i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
