It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
