i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
