yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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