sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
