Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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