so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
