Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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