are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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