I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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