my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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