Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
