Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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