God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
