Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
