How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
