Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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