He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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