Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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