I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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