Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
